Colgate's Bizzare Adventure[NSFW]

Before I actually post the what I’ve written, I need to give some back story to this fic. First off, it’s based on my pretty much dead Ask Sadistic Colgate blog, which you can find here: https://ask-sadistic-colgate.tumblr.com. Second, this was originally meant to be a fic based on “A Clockwork Orange” titled “A Clockwork Colgate” based on the book rather than the movie. That fell through when I realized how difficult the book is to read,plus I was borrowing it from the library. Some time later, after I had gotten tired of doing the blog, I decided to make an anthology of stories I never got to during my initial run of the blog, now title “Colgate’s Bizarre Adventure.” Aside from the name and the various music references, it has nothing to do with “Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure.” Some elements from Clockwork Colgate were carried over into Bizzare Adventure. Anyway, that’s enough back story for now. What I’m about to post is what I have finished of chapter 1, which i wrote almost 2 years ago. Enjoy.

@Newguy
Chapter 1: A Princess and a Unicorn Walk Into a Bar

You get a shiver in the dark, it’s raining in the park in the meantime. South of the river you stop and hold everything. A band is blowing Dixie, double-four time. You feel alright when you hear the music ring.
Now you step inside, but you don’t see too many faces. Coming in out of the rain, you hear the jazz go down. Competition in other places, but you hear the horns, they’re blowing down south. Way on down south, in Ponyville.
“What’ll you have, eh?”
“Huh?”
“Are you ready to order?”
“Oh, uhhhh,” stammered a mare seated at a bar. Her attention had been on the band, but her mind was lost in thought until the voice of the bartender slapped it back to reality. “I’ll have the strongest batch of salt you have.”
“Alright, one order of sea salt coming up!”
The Bare Back Tavern was, in a sense, a staple of the small town of Ponyville. The bar had been there for decades, possibly before the Nightmare Moon incident that had occurred over a thousand years prior. While not a popular destination for many ponies, the place did rather well for itself, drawing in small crowds and individuals looking to get away from the bustle of everyday life. For most, its appeal was in its selection of salts; from the local farms of Ponyville to exotic specimens from Saddle Arabia to the richest from Canterlot, it was surely a drinker’s paradise. Others, however, are drawn to its seclusion, wishing to avoid the bloated and overcrowdedness that plagued some of the other eateries. Whatever the reason, the tavern definitely had its share of interesting characters.
The bartender slid a mug of salt in front of the mare. “Here you go. Enioy!”
“Thanks,” the mare replied.
“You know, your hair looks kinda like toothpaste,” said the bartender, commenting on the mare’s unique blue and white striped mane. It was styled in the typical “bed head” fashion with split ends and cowlicks, through which protruded a short blue horn. Did I mention she’s a unicorn? She totally was a unicorn.
“Okay, I’m going to tell you right now, this is not how you pick up mares,” the unicorn quipped.