Mr100dragon100
reformation is the best
this is a rough draft of page 1, there could be lots of mistakes and weird stuff so let me show you the story and let me point out things i wanted to convey
It was a cold November night, Edward hyde and his friends had already left the pub, with their bags of new cloaths
hanging on their sides, they were smiling and teasing Edward light-heartedly for his encounter with a prostitute mare, Dracula shook his head at the ponies at their playful behaviour, but secretly laughed as well
"It was a cold November night. Edward Hyde and his friends had already left the pub, with their bags of brand-new clothes hanging on their sides. They were smiling and teasing Edward light-heartedly for his encounter with a prostitute mare. Dracula shook his head at the ponies at their playful behaviour but secretly laughed as well.
*“oh~ she likes you,"” said gGriffin.*
*Edward blushed"“now, iI don'’t know about that"” Said Edward.*
*"cCome on, did she tell you said she wanted to see you again?" Adam asked Adam.*
*Edward looked down"“yes she did",” Edward said in a slightly quiet voice*
"*“Well what happened?"” said Thomas*
"*“Well,"” said Edward "“it whappented like this"*
*Edward thinks back and explains his encounter with the mare at the pub, and the table where he had his conversation with the unicorn mare.*
*"iI was somewha little nervious, yet iI did managed to talk to her,. hHer name was eElizabeth,. sShe is 44 though she looks like she'’s in her 20s, long dark hair and a white coat with a small birthmark on her right cheek"”*
w*We continued talking for a while, though once it was time for us to leave, iI told her iI had to goleave.*
b*But then she said.*
*"iI had a great time,. iI would like to see you again."”*
i*I was surprised,. iI told her that iI would like to see her again too*
w*We said our goodbyes and we all left.*
"*“So how was she?" saisked Erik.*
*"sShe was wonderful,"” said Edward *
*"iI'm glad you had a good time,"” said Matthew*
"*“yes, me too,"” said Edward *
*They all walked back home, and once there they all whentaded back to their rooms to set up their cloathes .*
e*Edward turned on a lamp at a desk still wondering and thinking aboverut his time with Elizabeth, sitting in bed with his bags next to him.*
"*“Edward please don'’t feel doubt,"” said Jekyll *
j*Jekyll, though sharing the same body as hHyde, saw how doubtful hHyde was and wanted to reassure him.*
*"hHow can iI not fbeel doubt,ful? iI don't want what happened to me longyears ago when iI tried to find soa marepony," said Edward sadly replied.*
"*“But eEdward, this is a different mare, she won'’t be like that one,. eElizabeth wants to see you again,"” said hHenry.*
"*“she said it so kindly, not in a seducttive way, do you think there could be a chance?" saisked Edward .*
*"iI'm sure there is eEdward," said Jekyll *
*Edward thought about the time he had spent with her, and his confidence grew.*
*"iI do want to see her again, maybe this will gturn out well,"” said Edward*
*"iI'm sure it will,"” said Jekyll reassuring hHyde.*
e*Edward got up and tried to find a place to put his and hHenry's new cloathes as they doidn't have a closet or drawer to put cloathes in.*
then went to spend the rest of the night to continue helping his friends fix the house
end page 1
things i wanted to convey
.i wanted to show Edward being shy but i want to find words that show that through next not just by saying he's shy but with a word that shows the actions instead of telling, you know to make it more interesting
.i want to remove any unnecessary exposition but yet i want to explain what Elizabeth looks like and what happened to hyde in his previous relationship since idk if everybody read the description of the artwork that shows that and i don't want the story to drag on if i added too much detail about what hyde and Elizabeth were talking about
.i want the conversation to match the time period (the 1890s) like the language and how they interact without making it too modern but not too complicated to read
.i want to make sure i convey hyde being curious about the idea of the relationship working but i want the text to be something well good, you know
so please help me on this because i want this to be the best love story i could do especially making the female character more than just a love interest but without having unnecessary exposition or anything that is unnecessary
also, i want hyde and Elizabeth to see each other, but how many times can it be to visit each other every night so they can hang out or every other day?
It was a cold November night, Edward hyde and his friends had already left the pub, with their bags of new cloaths
hanging on their sides, they were smiling and teasing Edward light-heartedly for his encounter with a prostitute mare, Dracula shook his head at the ponies at their playful behaviour, but secretly laughed as well
*“oh~ she likes you,
*Edward blushed
*"
*Edward looked down
"
*Edward thinks back and explains his encounter with the mare at the pub
w
*"
w
*"
*"
"
e
"
*"
*"
*"
end page 1
things i wanted to convey
.i wanted to show Edward being shy but i want to find words that show that through next not just by saying he's shy but with a word that shows the actions instead of telling, you know to make it more interesting
.i want to remove any unnecessary exposition but yet i want to explain what Elizabeth looks like and what happened to hyde in his previous relationship since idk if everybody read the description of the artwork that shows that and i don't want the story to drag on if i added too much detail about what hyde and Elizabeth were talking about
.i want the conversation to match the time period (the 1890s) like the language and how they interact without making it too modern but not too complicated to read
.i want to make sure i convey hyde being curious about the idea of the relationship working but i want the text to be something well good, you know
so please help me on this because i want this to be the best love story i could do especially making the female character more than just a love interest but without having unnecessary exposition or anything that is unnecessary
also, i want hyde and Elizabeth to see each other, but how many times can it be to visit each other every night so they can hang out or every other day?