First Chap of first fic ever. Critque appreciated.

I’ve never done a fic before, but I would like to give it a shot. Here’s the first chapter of my as yet unnamed work.  

 
His movements were slow. Agonizingly slow. He followed the gentle curve of her body like the hoof of a blind pony reading and a ship on the calmest of waves simultaneously.
 
The mare beneath him had a good mind to tell him to hurry the hell up, but her mouth was already occupied. For as methodical as the stallion was being, his motions were full of purpose. A glorious, most satisfying purpose. She clenched her face in concentration, trying to think of something, anything than the source of pleasure above her. She denied him any knowledge that he successfully got her to enjoy herself.
 
Right up until the smooth glides of his head stopped and he gave her body a gentle, yet forceful bite.
 
Her mouth slipped. “Ah!” she cried out. The stallion above gave his signature shit-eating grin.  
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Was that too much for you?”  
“Sh-shutup.” she panted. “Just…keep going.”  
“Sorry, didn’t catch that.”  
Her face scrunched in indignity. He wanted her to beg. And when her heart rate began to slow, she realized she would have to.  
“Please.”  
“’Please’ what?”  
“Please…give me more. I…I want more.”  
Reveling in this victory, the stallion leaned over her, eager to continue his work.
 
But fate had other plans.
 
So caught up in their mutual delight, they never heard him knocking. Or his opening the door and entering.
 
“Hey, Twilight, Celestia wanted me to tell~~What the-What?! Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
 
Fortunately, the scream did get through the haze.  
———————–~~  
Questions? Comments?

Who’s giving Twily the dick? Brad?

@PonyPon  

 
I think only using one metaphor would be best here, preferably the ship one.
 

 
According to the previous paragraph, he seems to just be fondling her but here I get the impression he’s already inside. Perhaps a transition to describe the moment of entrance? And also, her mouth was full of what? I assume his?
 

 
I want to know where he bit her exactly. Her ear, shoulder? :)
 
Besides that it’s great but if you can, you should describe how they are feeling more, like reactions to certain motions; get inside Twilight’s head. Is this her first time? Has she ever been pleasured like this before? You know stuff that really connects us to the character. Going into further physical detail is also a plus for this type of fiction, if that’s what you want. Instead of saying he ‘touched her body’, say ‘he lightly traced the edge of her thigh’, Just something to think about. You’re doing good so far, no grammar mistakes!
 
Cheers.

The ambiguity of what exactly they’re doing is intentional. The “who” is established next chapter ;)

His movements were slow. Agonizingly slow. He followed the gentle curve of her body like a ship on the calmest of waves.
 
The mare beneath him had a good mind to tell him to hurry the hell up, but her mouth was already occupied. For as methodical as the stallion was being, his motions were full of purpose. A glorious, most satisfying purpose.
 
She loathed, neigh, hated him for being able to do this to her. She’d done this before, of course. She could reach those spots herself. And on the occasion she couldn’t, she had two great friends that could easily get the job done for her. But her sessions never, ever felt this good. He had to be cheating. Some kind of spell had to be the cause of it. And she resolved to figure out which one it was. Right after it stopped feeling so good!
 
She clenched her face in concentration, trying to think of something, anything than the source of pleasure above her. She denied him any knowledge that he successfully got her to enjoy herself.
 
Right up until the smooth glides of his head stopped and he gave her body a gentle, yet forceful bite.
 
Her mouth slipped. “Ah!” she cried out. The stallion above gave his signature shit-eating grin.  
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Was that too much for you?”  
“Sh-shutup.” she panted. “Just…keep going.”  
“Sorry, didn’t catch that.”  
Her face scrunched in indignity. He wanted her to beg. And when her heart rate began to slow, she realized she would have to.  
“Please.”  
“’Please’ what?”  
“Please…give me more. I…I want more.”  
Reveling in this victory, the stallion leaned over her, eager to continue his work.
 
But fate had other plans.
 
So caught up in their mutual delight, they never heard him knocking. Or his opening the door and entering.
 
“Hey, Twilight, Celestia wanted me to tell~~What the-What?! Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
 
Fortunately, the scream did get through the haze.  
—————––~~  
Okay, extra paragraph here, some slight changes there.

@Background Pony  
@Background Pony  
Fairly certain you two aren’t in this thread for the right reasons.

Okay, before we were so rudely interrupted… It’s better now. Keep going. :)

@Bolan  
I’ve actually posted it and the second chapter on fimfiction.  
I could link it here once it gets accepted.
 
Edit: Had some complications, but here it is for anyone interested.  
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/120779/the-blueblood-special