Hello, Derpibooru...

I am considering the worst thing you can do to your loved ones. How I can get help with this feelings.

@Background Pony #2DB1
It sounds like you might have what is sometimes called Harm OCD.

If so, Harm OCD is a common and treatable version of OCD that can often be helped or completely managed with simple therapy.

You also might just be having “intrusive thoughts”, which can happen with a lot of different underlying things, from ADHD to Bipolar. it’s more often treatable and can be managed with CBT, ACT, or ERP.

The second link also has worksheets to help identify what’s happening, and suggestions for self-care.